Jubilant Dissension (marynificent) wrote,
Jubilant Dissension

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afternoon naps will be the death of me

taking a nap in the afternoon, no matter how desperately important it seems at the time, is always a bad idea. i have figured that 45 minutes of fitful sleep between the hours of 3:00pm and 6:00pm will almost always without doubt prevent sleep at a reasonable hour that evening and into the following day.

that being said, i'd given into said nap and am still awake.

last night, adrina had a project to complete which entailed a time line of her life. now, i am far from the scrapbooking, stay-at-home soccer mom who keeps notebooks filled with accomplishments of tooth loss and haircuts, so completing an account of the past eight years was difficult, to say the least. if not for the haphazard documentation on livejournal and flickr, it would have been at a total loss. we managed to document 24 major events.

i flipped through the past eight years of my life and was stricken with how often i remarked on misery and stress. i think back on how profound my sadness and deep my self-resentment and cannot fathom how i managed to maintain this relentless optimism and hope. my god, i worked so hard. so hard. i gave so much of myself for so long, thinking that nothing was as important as what you payed into the greater good; i was so naively sanguine about people and humanity. still today, i close my eyes and hope that i was not wrong - that what i did really mattered - that who i was really was something. these days, i close my eyes and open my hands and feel not potential but absence. i fought so hard for who i thought i was and i've lost that. the sense of self and place now feels completely foreign.

i don't know who i am anymore.

i do know one thing for sure. my darling baby girl has a mother. no amount of pride in accomplishment can replace who i am to her and what she means to me. i could not be to her what i am today if i had not left that life behind.

i don't know where to go from here.

i don't know where to go from here.
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